Heartbeats and Miracles

These are some pictures of a quilt I started six or more years ago. It wasn’t one of those baby-hungry, jumping-the-gun kinds of things. A friend and I threw a baby shower for another friend and we had a quilt set up for people to work on at the shower. We used this fabric. I really liked it and found out that they were maybe going to discontinue this particular pattern, so I decided to just get it then and save it for whenever. Sometime that year I had a really bad cold, so I had a lot of sitting around time and made the quilt, but I never finished the edges. I put it in a box and meant to finish it soon.

Probably a year after that, we moved to a two-bedroom apartment, hoping that we would get to use that second bedroom as a nursery. I found the quilt again but promised myself I wouldn’t finish it until I was actually pregnant—I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, which is such an easy thing to do when planning a future. Occasionally, over the next several years,  I would come across this quilt, look at it and be sad for a while that we still didn’t have a baby, then fold it up and put it back in its box, still unfinished. Some of you are more aware than others of the difficulties we faced during those years. Infertility is such a sensitive issue and not one that people are generally open about. Brady and I kept this pretty quiet—for a long time probably quieter than we should have. We worked with all kinds of doctors trying to get my health more stable and trying to figure out why I wasn’t able to get pregnant. We went through various fertility medicines, tests, and procedures. The doctors couldn't explain why none of the procedures would work for us. By last summer, we were completely worn out with the whole thing. After a lot of prayer and struggle, we decided to be done with all the treatments. We felt that we would be parents someday, but how and when really wasn’t up to us.

Well, all of that is quite a bit of exposition just to say that I finally get to finish my quilt. Early in March we were caught completely off guard by a positive pregnancy test. We were so reluctant to believe our eyes at first (I dreaded even taking the test—we’d had so many disappointments).  Again, we’ve kept this pretty quiet, just so cautiously excited. This morning we got to hear the heartbeat, though, and it is becoming more and more apparent that the “someday” we felt assured of before is finally here.

This struggle with infertility has been one of the most challenging experiences of our marriage and we are grateful to be to this point. Sometimes people say they are grateful for their trials because they become stronger. I’m not sure I’m to the point where I can say I’m grateful to have struggled with this, that I’d have it the same again if I had the choice. I think if Brady and I had our choice we would have had a whole mess of kids by our eighth wedding anniversary instead of just barely expecting our first. But I can say that I am grateful to be where I am and for the things that have gotten me here. We have had a good life so far. I got to do things that I didn’t think I’d get to do until my children were older (go back to grad school, be “Professor Wiggins,” etc). Brady and I have gotten to work in the temple for over a year now, which has strengthened us tremendously. We have learned and grown a lot and have truly felt guided throughout this process, as difficult as it has been. So while I wouldn’t choose to do it again, I am grateful that we are where we are and to be a part of this miracle.

I realize this is much more of a sentimental post than we usually have on here, so I will end with practical stats now: 13 weeks, beginning second trimester, not really much in the way of morning sickness (strangely, lots of sneezing), due November 9th (ish since they seem to always change the due date anyway). So that means everyone will have to come to Knoxville to meet Baby Stinklebert (what Brady has dubbed the fetus—I’m open to other placeholder names, though).

Wendell Berry

One of the highlights of last week was that we got to meet one of my favorite authors, Wendell Berry. He came to SLC as the keynote speaker for a symposium commemorating the 100th anniversary of the birth of Wallace Stegner (Berry's mentor). It was quite a treat because, as you know if you've read much of Berry's work, he believes in mostly staying put in the place where he lives (Kentucky). The last time he was in Utah was 20 years ago when he came to southern Utah for a wake for his friend and fellow author Edward Abbey, so we jumped at the rare chance to see him.

Berry did a book signing at Ken Sander's Rare Books in SLC and that's where we got to meet him (as seen in the picture above). Berry is critical of our unthinking eagerness to jump on every new technology, so I decided that it would be bad form to bring my camera. I decided that I would just enjoy the experience of getting to meet an author whose work I like. But . . . a lady from the bookstore was getting Berry to pose along with the people whose books he was signing. It was clearly bugging him and after she took our picture he turned to her and asked, "Are you getting what you want out of this?" It was pretty funny. So I got my picture with him and didn't have to be the thoughtless annoying person to force the situation—have our cake and eat it too.

After the signing Berry did a reading at the masonic temple in Salt Lake.  He's not a mason.  It was just the place with lots of seating that they got for the event.  It was cool to see inside the place.  Berry read from an essay he is still working on about the economy.  He's written a lot on how our current economy is wasteful, glutenous, and destructive and he brought this conversation forward in light of the current economic crisis.  He thinks that we should be thrifty, self-reliant, and that we should nurture a local economy and made some great points about struggling with the question of needs vs. wants.

He also read from one of his short stories (very entertaining) and then did some Q & A.  It was great to hear his written words in his voice and I think that I can "get" his fiction that much more now that I've heard him read it.  I'm feeling a bit too lazy now to try to capture some of what he said, but let me give you some links to a few of his essays.  He's really worth checking out if you don't know his work.  BTW, make sure you realize that he has a sense of humor when you read this stuff.

Why I Am Not Going to Buy a Computer

Feminism, the Body, and the Machine

Home Economics—Analysis of U.S. Agricultural Policy

The Pleasures of Eating

"One of the good ones"

Ever since we learned about our upcoming move to Knoxville, we have been so excited to finally be able to tell people where we are going and what our plans are. The response for the most part has been reciprocal excitement, maybe some tips or mention of someone somebody knows who once went to Knoxville. Recently I had an encounter that was quite different. I was at the health center and a nurse was helping me get a prescription refill processed. The processing was taking a while, so that meant it was time to chat and apparently fill her in on everything that is going on in my life. I have worked with this nurse in the past, and she’s really quite helpful, but it did seem strange how intensely interested she suddenly was in our upcoming plans. As soon as the internship came up, well, I had to dish all kinds of details about Brady’s degree, what he’ll be doing, what his career goals are, and so on. It really didn’t feel rude, just weird that she wanted to know so much. She was almost grandmotherly about it, except it was weird since she isn’t my grandmother. She’s really very sweet, and I didn’t want to be rude since she has been so helpful to me in the past. Eventually, she asked where we’ll be going. This is a snippet of the conversation at that point.

Me: Knoxville, Tennessee

Nurse: Where’s that? Is that one of the good ones?

Me: [a little surprised at the first question, but not sure what the second question even means, decided to answer the first anyway] Well . . . Knoxville is in the eastern part of the state, which borders North Carolina.

Nurse: Oh, well that’s all right [apparently North Carolina is one of the good ones]. Ya know, when ya get down into some of those others like, oh, Oklahoma or Arizona it’s not as good [really, she said Arizona—in retrospect, I think she meant to say Arkansas].

Me: Oh . . . yeah.

I imagine that my soon-to-be Southern sensibilities kicked in, and all I could think was, “Oh, bless her heart” in that slightly condescending, you-just-don’t-get-it use of the phrase. I think I know what she was getting at, so next time someone asks if Knoxville is “one of the good ones” I’m going to say, “Nah. We’re jus’ gonna go live with a bunch of hillbillies.” Although Tennessee did pass her standard, so maybe that wouldn’t be accurate. I do think they should change the state motto to “Tennessee: One of the Good Ones.” I think that would look nice on a license plate.

P.S. The picture has nothing to do with this post. It is one of the images I found when I typed “one of the good ones” into Google images—seemed fitting enough, though, since I'm not entirely sure what that phrase is really supposed to mean.

Knoxville, Tennessee!

The Wigginses are going to Knoxville!  We're thrilled—this was our first choice.

Success!

I got an internship! Hooray! Come back Monday when I find out where we're headed.

Awaiting an Internship

So, my grueling process of internship application has nearly come to an end.  On Tuesday I submitted my rank-order list of 10 internship programs.  They run applicant lists and site lists through some sort of Willy Wonka machine and come out with matches between applicants and sites.  I'll hear back on February 20th if I matched to a site and on February 23 which site I matched to (I've decided to think positively and assume that my match is a given).  We're excited for this next step in our lives and frankly wish we didn't have to wait any longer to find out where we're headed.

The ranking of sites is pretty sensitive, so I'm not going to publish here on the internet the order I've ranked my sites.  I will, however, let you know the sites I've ranked.  Here they are in alphabetical order (they're all university counseling centers):  Illinois State University, Kansas State University, Montana State University, Oregon State University, Texas A & M University, University of Idaho, University of Maine, University of New Hampshire, University of Tennessee at Knoxville, and Washington State University.

All of the sites look good to me and I think that we could be happy if we get any of them.  I am particularly excited about those that made it to the top of my list, but I don't think that any of them will disappoint.

An observation . . .

Did you know that it is impossible to accurately sing more than 5-6 notes of the tune of the Little House on the Prairie theme song? Seriously, try it (and don't pretend like you don't know it). It is absolutely impossible. Call in the X-files.