Saturday evening Anna and I were visiting with Jonny and Jen at their new house in Salt Lake. We had a great time visiting with them and there were some gems from our conversation that I think are worth sharing. One of the things that we talked about was church horror stories—you know, the ones where someone breaks with convention in such a way that most people in the room feel uncomfortable and the Spirit seems to retreat.
Don't get me wrong; there are some great moments where breaking with convention can be a breath of fresh air and can help you see the gospel in fresh and enlivening ways. For example, I've heard prayers that were perhaps unusual in a Mormon meeting, but conveyed a sincerity and intimacy in speaking with the Lord that was quite inspiring.
What I am talking about is when someone preaches politics from the pulpit or shares "personal experiences" that are way too personal. And let me tell you, between the four of us, we had some doozies.
Perhaps not the dooziest, one of my recent experiences (one that I think is nearly universal for adult members of the Church) was when an elder's quorum instructor gave a rather emotionally driven lesson on the atonement which included the instructor giving an impromptu a capella rendition of a hymn. His justification for this was, "I think my feelings are best expressed by this hymn . . ."
Now I can be moved by music as much as the next guy, but this just made me uncomfortable. Singing can be such a personal thing and it feels uncomfortable when you're part of a captive audience and that is thrust upon you without warning.
I wasn't sure if I was just being too stodgy with my expectations for what should be in an elder's quorum lesson, but as we were talking about this on Saturday, it occurred to me how strange this phenomenon really is. Do we ever do this in regular conversation? Try to imagine a few:
Me: So what brings you in for therapy today?
Client: I dunno, I've just been feeling down lately.
Me: Could you say more about what "feeling down" has been like for you?
Client: Ummmm . . . it's hard to describe. I think my feelings are best summed up by this song [begins singing]:
I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no girly action. But I try, and I try, and I try, and I try. I can't get no . . . no no no! Hey hey heh-hey! That's what I say!
You know what I mean doc?
[end scene]
Or try this one:
Mother: I am at my wit's end! These kids are driving me crazy. You're gone at work all day and I have to put up with all of this on my own.
Father: You sound worn out. What are they doing?
Mother: What aren't they doing? I don't even know where to begin. I think that the Beatles said it best [begins singing]:
Have you seen the little piggies
Crawling in the dirt
And for all the little piggies
Life is getting worse
Always having dirt to play around in.Have you seen the bigger piggies
In their starched white shirts
You will find the bigger piggies
Stirring up the dirt
Always have clean shirts to play around in.
In their styes with all their backing
They don't care what goes on around
In their eyes there's something lacking
What they need's a damn good whacking.
Everywhere there's lots of piggies
Living piggy lives
You can see them out for dinner
With their piggy wives
Clutching forks and knives to eat their bacon
Does that make sense?
Father: Our kids have piggy wives? Wait, who are the bigger piggies in this? Hey, you said the "D" word!
[end scene]
Maybe just one more:
Wife: Honey, did you finish off the leftover pizza?
Husband: Yeah, I had it for lunch.
Wife: Well what should we have for dinner? I don't feel too ambitious. What are you in the mood for?
Husband: Ummmm . . . I don't know. [begins singing]:
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string--these are a few of my favorite things
Wife: Again?
Husband: Okay, okay. How about [begins singing]:
And Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-e-Iiiiiiiii will always love you-e-oooo-e-ooo . . . will always love you-ooooo
Wife: That makes no sense. How are we supposed to make that for dinner?
Husband: Well . . . I think this song says it best [begins singing]:
I'm your only friend
I'm not your only friend
But I'm a little glowing friend
But really I'm not actually your friend
But I am
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
I have a secret to tell
From my electrical well
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
So the room must listen to me
Filibuster vigilantly
My name is blue canary one note spelled l-i-t-e
My story's infinite
Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
I'm your only friend
I'm not your only friend
But I'm a little glowing friend
But really I'm not actually your friend
But I am
There's a picture opposite me
Of my primitive ancestry
Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free
Though I respect that a lot
I'd be fired if that were my job
After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts
Bluebird of friendliness
Like guardian angels its always near
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
(and while you're at it
Keep the nightlight on inside the
Birdhouse in your soul)
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it)
Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the)
Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul)
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it)
Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the)
Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul)
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
You know what I mean?
Wife: Eggs and bacon it is then.
Husband: But prepared exactly the way I sang it.
[end scene]
Okay, maybe I got a little carried away there, but my point is that it would be wierd. Really really wierd.
Please share your own church horror stories in the comments. I'm really curious.
I find this topic a little too entertaining and it's impossible for me to resist chiming in. I LOVE (read: hate) the impromptu a capella singers in church. As for my horrific but entertaining church experiences, I'll limit my stories to things spoken from the pulpit during Sacrament Meeting that never should have been:
ReplyDelete- A soon-to-be father in our ward in Houston, in the middle of a preparedness talk, went off about how his wife couldn't use birth control so they decided to do the rhythm method, which, in his words, turned out to be a "bunch of bull-honky." And he expressed his gratitude that they had been living on a budget.
- A lady in our ward in Houston was giving a talk sometime around Valentine's day in 2007. She decided to speak about said holiday because I'm sure that's what the bishopric was hoping for. I was dozing off on Jonny's shoulder during her talk, as it was mostly a history lesson, until I heard the phrase "massive group orgies" come out of her mouth. I thought I had dreamt it, but Jonny confirmed that indeed and unfortunately, I had not.
- My brother's ward has an amazingly bad record for awful mother's day talks. Last year, a new man in the ward spoke about what a great mother his wife was because she was such a good disciplinarian. He laughed about always running out of paint sticks because she was always breaking them on their children's backsides. This year, the guy that spoke on Mother's day talked about this list: "http://www.anvari.org/fun/Gender/Top_10_Things_Only_Women_Understand.html"
- And, we already told you this one, but last week we listened to a guy swear during his talk, just in case we weren't aware of how to take the Lord's name in vain or the absence of the Spirit that results from so doing.
I'll stop now.
Hmmm, I did once hear a grown man express his testimony of a living prophet by saying, " I love me some Gordon B! He is the man."
ReplyDeleteThen there was the kid that ALWAYS took his shoes off during sacrament and didn't bother to put them back on to walk up to the pulpit.
Oh and don't forget the descriptions of random acts of violence. We once got a really detailed story about a young man who was "curbed", which as as I now understand it is having your teeth beat into a concrete curb..or something. Just a week or so ago, we heard from a nice young newlywed about how his uncle was shot at by a lunatic on a roof top who then came down and went after him with an ax. Sad story, but maybe not appropriate for sacrament meeting.
These may not be truly horrifying, but I know I was pretty uncomfortable.
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteYour first story reminds me of the general conference a few years ago when President Hinckley was giving his closing remarks to the conference and I faintly heard the mics pick up the voice of a young man yelling out, "We love you President Hinckley," followed by a bit of nervous laughter from the crowd. Always the dignified gentleman, President Hinckley continued on as if nothing had happened. In fact, that is probably why I seem to be the only person who remembers this. Can anyone else back me up on this one?
And then there was this debacle at the 2005 Christmas devotional. Crazy stuff. Literally.
I've been around. I will limit my awkward church moments to a single theme: mothers.
ReplyDelete--Moment the First--
This Mother's Day at a ward in Provo, a girl walks up to the pulpit, and without a word of explanation begins soulfully singing.
"Deep in the hundred-acre wood, where Christopher Robin plays..."
She sang the whole Winnie the Pooh song. All of it. The whole thing. To begin her talk. With no warning or explanation. Her justification given later was that her mother used to read her Winnie the Pooh books when she was a child. A song that doesn't articulate a feeling, but merely corresponds with a tangential point.
--Moment the Second--
My mother passed on at 2:30 am on a Sunday morning. By the time the undertaker came and everything was settled, it was about 6:00 am. I slept for an hour or two. I didn't know what else to do but to go to church at 9:00. If ever there was really a time when I was looking for a concise and hopeful gospel message, this was it.
Unfortunately, it was the day before Pioneer Day and my bishop at the time had some trouble mixing up pageantry with spirituality. Professionals were brought in. After the sacrament, the whole meeting was a musical about Brigham Young and bringing the handcart saints in from the plains. Brigham's lines were all sung. By a pro. Or at least an LDS music pro (he normally records LDS-themed country music). It was awful. It was worse when I discovered toward the end of the program, there were plants in the audience. People who at certain cues would stand up and start singing. Some were other pros. Some were ward members. (I wonder how they were picked. I have a good voice, why didn't anyone call me?)
The grande finale consisted of about twenty to thirty people coming from the congregation to crowd the twenty or so already on stage. The song was a rip-off of something from Les Mis. I don't recall if there was applause. It was surreal enough that it wouldn't have made any difference if there was.
Many people cried. In the two classes afterwards everyone talked about the spirituality of the meeting. I've seldom gone into a meeting in a humbler place. My best friend was there, and she is as pure and good a person. I don't think either of us felt anything close to a still small voice.
When the thunderous climax fell silent, a single child summed the whole meeting up by exclaiming for all to hear, "Wow, that was loud!"
Once in the single's ward I was attending a visitor got up during fast and testimony meeting and proposed to his girlfriend who was sitting next to her son who was at least 8 years old. It wasn't even romantic! He told us all he was going to ask her to marry him, then turned to her and said, "Well?" She sat there in her seat silently staring at him, and not in a good way.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone in the congregation at that moment could look up; we were all staring at our feet afraid of what would happen next. Still the woman said nothing so the guy turned to the former congregation turned audience and said, "So that's a yes." Then he told us that we wouldn't believe where they had met, and this was almost ten years ago mind you--he said they met on the internet. Wow, ya I was blown away at that. Kip?
Oh, that experience was a real cringer.
One of my favorites was when I was a teenager there was a very strange family in our ward. They had a daughter a few years younger than me who, if I remember correctly, was adopted. The mom gave a talk about how when she was a kid her mother gave birth to a little girl who died during the birthing process. She went on to tell about how the Spirit has confirmed to her that the spirit of her sister that died was her adopted daughter. I think that she also told some spiritual ghost stories. I know she told us a few when she subbed for my Sunday School class. She also talked about kids who played dungeons and dragons and then their house was haunted. And . . . she played us a tape with Queen's Another One Bites the Dust played backwards, supposedly telling us to smoke marijuana. We couldn't make out that message, but I guess that some people who have heard that song went on to smoke a doobie so who knows. Anyway, in the same sacrament meeting the husband gave a talk where he told about how he and his wife got in a big knock down drag out fight and he left the house with the intention of getting a divorce. Apparently, the spiritual redemption came when he stopped at 7-eleven for gas and saw one of those crappy roses they sell and he bought it and went home to his wife. Lemme tell you, the Spirit was . . . somewhere.
ReplyDeleteWe had to many uncomfortable experiences in our downtown SL ward that I think I repressed most of them.
ReplyDeletekari will be the first to admit that i regularly communicate through song...don't you feel sorry for her?
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say...these stories blow my mind. Here is one from our Salt Lake Days...July 2003: Testimony meeting. A polite old man got up to share his testimony and, like many I have heard before, began to share his feelings about his country and the wisdom of god in preparing the founding father's for the latter days...la la la...the constitution...la la la...manifest destiny...la la la...and then this other old guy in the congregation stands up and says, "I rebuke you! That is not a testimony but a political statement, and I rebuke you! I call you to repent! Sit down. I rebuke you!" The man at the pulpit smiled and said, "I see that I have said enough. Nothing I said was meant to persuade any of you to one political belief or another, but I see that I have offended. I'm done now." And then he sat down.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I have to add to this string are stories from Italy, so technically, they shouldn't even count. But I had one branch president who was keen on teaching his congregation what he thought was doctrine. Among my favorites: breathing in second-hand smoke is against the word of wisdom (an attempt to dissuade people from visiting discotheques, quite popular among the youth in Italy - though we had no youth in this branch); if you look on your kids too fondly, then you are guilty of idol-worship (I must not have had a good command on the language at the time, because I sat through this talk and don't remember a word of it - I just remember my companion laughing about it later); and we can't forget mother in heaven: the only investigator we EVER had in this tiny branch was participating in the Gospel Principles class and the branch president was adamant that she learn that she had a mother in heaven. Fortunately, after that last incident, our investigator just laughed about it.
ReplyDeleteHis wife gave no less: once, as Sunday School was starting (this week, our investigator was late to church, fortunately), she and the primary president got in a knock-down, drag-out fight in the hall. We had just finished the prayer when the screaming broke out. I didn't see the result, except that things were pretty tense for the rest of the day (needless to say).
There is no longer a branch in that city.
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ReplyDeleteJen's aforementioned brother here...
ReplyDeleteI realize I am about a month late here, but I was wondering if Jen shared the one about a woman in my old roomate's home ward who "bore her testimony" by placing a boombox on the pulpit, hitting play, and lip-syncing "Wind Beneath My Wings". I always had my doubts about this story, but my roomate swore by it.
Also, since you have posted this, I told Jen and Jonny about an enrichment night my wife recently attended. The topic was "marriage enhancement". I now leave you alone to your thoughts about what may or may not have been discussed there. But you can ask them about if you're curious.
Marriage enhancement, eh? I think I have heard that story. yikes
ReplyDelete